zeroed-some/localroast / 4c64031

+  

+  // PENNSYLVANIA

+  pennsylvania: {

+    generic: [

+      "Pennsylvania? Where the roads have more holes than Swiss cheese and twice the corruption.",

+      "From Pennsylvania? How's living in America's pothole?",

+      "Pennsylvania: Where everyone's either in Philly, Pittsburgh, or Pennsyltucky.",

+      "Oh, Pennsylvania? The state that's just Ohio with historical sites.",

+      "Pennsylvania: Where the Amish have better infrastructure than PennDOT.",

+      "From Pennsylvania? Let me guess, you call it 'PA' like that makes it cooler.",

+      "Pennsylvania: The only state where the turnpike is a form of torture.",

+      "Where 'culture' means choosing between Wawa and Sheetz.",

+      "Pennsylvania: Proof that being first doesn't mean being best.",

+      "From Pennsylvania? Your state's biggest export is potholes and disappointment.",

+      "Pennsylvania: Where the weather sucks, the roads suck more, and the government sucks most.",

+      "The state where fracking and football are more important than functioning.",

+      "Pennsylvania: Where everyone claims Philly or Pittsburgh and ignores the racist middle.",

+      "From Pennsylvania? You definitely have strong opinions about convenience stores.",

+      "Pennsylvania: Because someone had to connect New York to the rest of America.",

+    ],

+    philadelphia: [

+      "Philadelphia? Where brotherly love means telling you to go fuck yourself.",

+      "From Philly? How's that inferiority complex with New York treating you?",

+      "Philadelphia: Where throwing batteries at Santa is considered tradition.",

+      "Oh, Philly? The city that peaked in 1776 and won't shut up about it.",

+      "Philadelphia: Where everyone's angry and the cheesesteaks are overrated.",

+      "From Philly? Let me guess, you've already told someone today that it's 'jawn'.",

+      "Philadelphia: The only city where booing your own team is a form of support.",

+      "Where 'culture' means eating garbage and calling it a sandwich.",

+      "Philadelphia: Proof that being historically significant doesn't mean currently relevant.",

+      "From Philly? Your city's biggest achievement is being between New York and D.C.",

+      "Philadelphia: Where the sports fans are more violent than the actual criminals.",

+      "The city where 'brotherly love' is the most ironic slogan in America.",

+      "Philadelphia: New York's angry, drunk little brother with a Napoleon complex.",

+      "From Philly? You definitely have opinions about which cheesesteak place is best and they're all wrong.",

+      "Philadelphia: Where the Liberty Bell is cracked and so is everyone's personality.",

+    ],

+    pittsburgh: [

+      "Pittsburgh? The city that's still cosplaying as a steel town.",

+      "From Pittsburgh? How's pretending it's still 1970 working out?",

+      "Pittsburgh: Where everyone's a Steelers fan because there's nothing else.",

+      "Oh, Pittsburgh? The city built on bridges because everyone's trying to leave.",

+      "Pittsburgh: Where the rivers meet and ambitions die.",

+      "From Pittsburgh? Let me guess, you put fries on everything and call it cuisine.",

+      "Pittsburgh: The only city where 'yunz' is a word and pride is misplaced.",

+      "Where 'culture' means whatever the Steelers did 40 years ago.",

+      "Pittsburgh: Proof that you can't rebuild on football alone.",

+      "From Pittsburgh? Your city's biggest achievement is convincing people it's having a renaissance.",

+      "Pittsburgh: Where the mills closed but the depression stayed open.",

+      "The city where every conversation involves the Steelers or the weather.",

+      "Pittsburgh: Philadelphia's less interesting, more drunk cousin.",

+      "From Pittsburgh? You definitely have a Terrible Towel and terrible taste.",

+      "Pittsburgh: Where the 'h' is silent and so are the job prospects.",

+    ],

+    harrisburg: [

+      "Harrisburg? The capital that everyone forgets exists, including Pennsylvanians.",

+      "From Harrisburg? How's being Pennsylvania's most irrelevant city?",

+      "Harrisburg: Where state government meets state of depression.",

+      "Oh, Harrisburg? The city that makes Scranton look cosmopolitan.",

+      "Harrisburg: Where everyone either works for the state or wishes they didn't.",

+      "From Harrisburg? Let me guess, you tell people you're 'near Philly' or 'close to D.C.'.",

+      "Harrisburg: The only capital where bankruptcy was a civic improvement plan.",

+      "Where 'culture' means the annual Farm Show and regret.",

+      "Harrisburg: Proof that being a capital doesn't mean being important.",

+      "From Harrisburg? Your city's biggest achievement is being halfway between places people want to be.",

+    ],

+    scranton: [

+      "Scranton? The city whose biggest achievement is being on The Office.",

+      "From Scranton? How's living in a city that peaked as a TV show setting?",

+      "Scranton: Where everyone either works at a call center or pretends to work at Dunder Mifflin.",

+      "Oh, Scranton? The city that makes Harrisburg look exciting.",

+      "Scranton: Where the coal mines closed and took all hope with them.",

+      "From Scranton? Let me guess, you quote The Office like it's your personality.",

+      "Scranton: The only city where a fictional paper company is the main attraction.",

+      "Where 'culture' means Office trivia and abandoned buildings.",

+      "Scranton: Proof that being on TV doesn't make you relevant.",

+      "From Scranton? Your city's electric city because the lights are all that's left on.",

+    ],

+    erie: [

+      "Erie? The city that's just Buffalo's even more depressing cousin.",

+      "From Erie? How's that lake effect depression treating you?",

+      "Erie: Where the snow is constant and so is the urge to leave.",

+      "Oh, Erie? The city that exists because the lake had to end somewhere.",

+      "Erie: Where everyone's either old or gone.",

+      "From Erie? Let me guess, you work at the casino or wish you lived somewhere else.",

+      "Erie: The only city where the biggest attraction is being close to other states.",

+      "Where 'culture' means whatever washed up on shore.",

+      "Erie: Proof that lakefront property isn't always valuable.",

+      "From Erie? Your city's biggest achievement is being mentioned in weather warnings.",

+    ],

+  },

+  // ARIZONA

+  arizona: {

+    generic: [

+      "Arizona? Where the temperature matches the IQ of anyone who chooses to live there.",

+      "From Arizona? How's living on the surface of the sun treating you?",

+      "Arizona: Where everything's trying to kill you - the heat, the animals, and the politics.",

+      "Oh, Arizona? The state that's just a monument to man's arrogance against nature.",

+      "Arizona: Where retirement goes to die slowly in a golf cart.",

+      "From Arizona? Let me guess, you're either 75 years old or selling something to someone who is.",

+      "Arizona: The only state where 'dry heat' is supposed to make 120°F acceptable.",

+      "Where 'culture' means strip malls and casual racism.",

+      "Arizona: Proof that humans will live anywhere if the taxes are low enough.",

+      "From Arizona? Your state's biggest export is heat stroke and xenophobia.",

+      "Arizona: Where the Grand Canyon is the only thing with depth.",

+      "The state where lawns are gravel and compassion is scarce.",

+      "Arizona: Where everyone drives everywhere because walking means death.",

+      "From Arizona? You definitely have strong opinions about the border and weak opinions about education.",

+      "Arizona: Because someone had to make New Mexico look progressive.",

+    ],

+    phoenix: [

+      "Phoenix? A monument to man's arrogance in city form.",

+      "From Phoenix? How's living in Satan's vacation home?",

+      "Phoenix: Where the city planning is as thoughtful as building in Hell.",

+      "Oh, Phoenix? The city that shouldn't exist but does out of spite.",

+      "Phoenix: Where everyone's either in air conditioning or the hospital.",

+      "From Phoenix? Let me guess, your personality is 'it's a dry heat'.",

+      "Phoenix: The only city where parking lots are deadlier than war zones.",

+      "Where 'culture' means chain restaurants in strip malls.",

+      "Phoenix: Proof that you can build a metropolis anywhere if you're stubborn enough.",

+      "From Phoenix? Your city's biggest achievement is convincing 5 million people to live in an oven.",

+      "Phoenix: Where the pavement melts but the people's hearts are colder.",

+      "The city where everything is beige including the personalities.",

+      "Phoenix: LA's racist uncle who retired to the desert.",

+      "From Phoenix? You definitely drive a white SUV and complain about Californians.",

+      "Phoenix: Where urban sprawl meets urban hell.",

+    ],

+    tucson: [

+      "Tucson? Phoenix's hippie cousin with a meth problem.",

+      "From Tucson? How's that 'authentic desert experience' with more poverty?",

+      "Tucson: Where everyone's either a student, a retiree, or lost.",

+      "Oh, Tucson? The city that's just Mexico's parking lot.",

+      "Tucson: Where the university is the only thing preventing total collapse.",

+      "From Tucson? Let me guess, you tell people it's 'more cultured than Phoenix'.",

+      "Tucson: The only city where liberal college kids and border patrol agents coexist uncomfortably.",

+      "Where 'culture' means proximity to Mexico and overpriced turquoise.",

+      "Tucson: Proof that being a college town doesn't prevent being a mess.",

+      "From Tucson? Your city's biggest achievement is being slightly less hot than Phoenix.",

+    ],

+    scottsdale: [

+      "Scottsdale? Where Phoenix's rich assholes go to be worse.",

+      "From Scottsdale? How's that entitlement treating you?",

+      "Scottsdale: Where the golf courses are green and the people are white.",

+      "Oh, Scottsdale? The city that's just a country club with a mayor.",

+      "Scottsdale: Where everyone's either old money or new debt.",

+      "From Scottsdale? Let me guess, your car costs more than most people's houses.",

+      "Scottsdale: The only city where 'casual' means $500 sundresses.",

+      "Where 'culture' is day drinking at overpriced resorts.",

+      "Scottsdale: Proof that money can't buy taste or shade.",

+      "From Scottsdale? Your city's biggest export is Instagram influencers and STDs.",

+    ],

+    flagstaff: [

+      "Flagstaff? Where Arizonans go to pretend they don't live in a desert.",

+      "From Flagstaff? How's being Arizona's only livable city?",

+      "Flagstaff: Where everyone's a student or a ski bum, same thing.",

+      "Oh, Flagstaff? The city that exists to remind Arizona what trees look like.",

+      "Flagstaff: Where the elevation is high and so are the residents.",

+      "From Flagstaff? Let me guess, you're superior about having seasons.",

+      "Flagstaff: The only Arizona city where water isn't a myth.",

+      "Where 'culture' means having trees and overpriced coffee.",

+      "Flagstaff: Proof that Arizona can be cold and still suck.",

+      "From Flagstaff? Your city's biggest achievement is not being in the desert.",

+    ],

+  },

+

+    aurora: [

+      "Aurora? Chicago's suburb that Wayne's World mocked into existence.",

+      "From Aurora? How's being excellent to each other in mediocrity?",

+      "Aurora: Where everyone works in Chicago but can't afford to live there.",

+      "Oh, Aurora? The city that's just urban sprawl with a funny name.",

+      "Aurora: Where the only culture is whatever Chicago didn't want.",

+      "From Aurora? Let me guess, you say you're from 'Chicagoland'.",

+      "Aurora: The only city famous for being in a movie about leaving it.",

+      "Where 'nightlife' means driving to Chicago.",

+      "Aurora: Proof that proximity to greatness doesn't transfer.",

+      "From Aurora? Your city's biggest achievement is Wayne's World, and that was fictional.",

+    ],